I feel very anxious to meet Oliver. However, this is all together very different than the kind of anxious that I felt four days ago – a feeling that once felt pure and full of joy and excitement – is now tainted with overwhelming anxiety and straight up fear. Fear that I might not be ready for this after all: I have so much left I want to see/do with Justin, I’m not ready to give my time up with just him. Fear that something might be wrong with Oliver. Fear that I am going to disappoint myself and Justin and be embarrassingly weak in childbirth. Fear that I’ll look back in regret. Anxiety to get on with life and pick back up again because right now everything is really just put on hold as we wait for our little – things are a little too slow for my liking. Anxiety over childbirth. Anxiety for our families meeting him for the first time and how those relationships individually will play out. Anxiety over how Justin and I will handle the first few days together and then parent together.
These are all thoughts I have had before but today they were just too much. The day ended in a complete breakdown and included a long and very ugly crying/praying/yelling session.
Through that, I got it. Thank God, I got it. I am just where I am supposed to be: wrestling through these fears and anxieties that I do believe are normal and ok but completely out of my control. I’ve got no business worrying about what I can’t control. So, here I am, 4 days post due date struggling to reach complete surrender and it feels so much better than being shackled to fear and anxiety.
All of Matthew 6. If you’re where I’m at, go there and find a little piece of refuge.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34
Jesus, I am so human. And I need you SO terribly. Holy Spirit, help me obey this command, for in it, I know there is crazy freedom that can only come from you.
Oliver will be in my arms soon enough, in God’s perfect timing, and he will be exactly how he was made to be. And for now, his mama will keep learning lessons from her good and loving Creator. I know I’ll probably teach that kid a thing or two but already I’m blessed by and learning through his little life.