This is a little different than how I hoped/thought this post would go back when I started doing web design last year. I launched my second website a few weeks ago and came to the conclusion that it will be the last big project that I do for a bit. Back-to-back 65 hour work weeks just aren’t how my body works, I’m literally still recovering and it was almost 3 weeks ago. It’s terrifying how quickly God’s voice fades into mine when I am not attentive to Him.
It actually makes me feel super uncomfortable to say that I can’t handle that because long work weeks was the plan for the rest of the year. I know that pursuing dreams means really hard work so that’s what I was going to do but The Lord has a much different plan. I have been reading in Ecclesiastes, (I love this book so much because it has packed into it the wisdom of an old man who has seen it all and is reflecting on the meaning of life) and he talks over and over about how everything we do is “striving after wind” – that rings so true to me personally but also in our culture in general and how jam packed our calendars are just so that we can always be doing. I think I over-work myself just to feel over-worked because I feel like that’s how I should feel. Like, I’m lazy and not working toward my goals if I don’t eat, breathe, sleep production.
Reality of it is, that is just not the case (thank GOD, because that is an empty feeling). I recently shared about how I’m feeling called into a time to learn and with that comes slowing down and being super aware of what it is that I can handle. Because, I mean, physically, I CAN handle 65 hour weeks but I don’t have anything left to give any one/thing else at the end of those hours. I am on empty. And at the end of the second long work week? Even after my project was launched? Something I’ve worked SO hard for! A step closer to my dream! I didn’t feel satisfied. Not even kind of.
So, I’m living those words that the author of Ecclesiastes speaks on – “striving after wind” – I feel that. It’s crystal clear to me that it is what I’ve been doing for the past year, running ’round and ’round not “accomplishing” anything, just striving after wind. That’s not to say anything negative toward those who work long hours. Am I going to stop working hard? No. I’m not. But realizing that God’s voice sounds an awful lot like my voice on the other side of that draining week is enough to make me take some time to take a closer look at my motives and help me to manage my time more wisely. My prayers are getting bigger, my heart is open to learning, and my palms up in surrender. I am ready to slow down, be taught, and stop striving after wind. There is freedom there.